Blogs From An Asshole

I figured it's time to update this thing some more. Maybe weekly is more realistic than daily for me after I lost interest in it the first time. It's been a very boring yet peaceful past week. I've been exercising a bit and I'm down to the 220 mark now. I've gotten way too hard on myself about what I eat now because I haven't wanted to cook at home lately. Not to mention the power went out in the kitchen wall outlets. I feel like 200 pounds will be a stretch and a major pain in the ass. I'm tired of being so fucking bored for sure. I don't have jack shit for friends around here anymore so my life consists mostly of looking for people to talk to online again like it used to. I realized that way too many people have kids now. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate kids by any means, I just don't give two shits about anybody else's. I got a nice three tier computer desk at Goodwill last week for $33 and a computer chair from work so I have the desktop set up which means I now have music in the apartment. So if anybody else notices that my last.fm playcount has been going through the roof, that would be why. When I have nothing else in life I always have metal. That's one of those things I can't get people who aren't as passionate about music as me to understand. It's the one thing that never bails on me and can actually capture the emotions that I'm feeling. If you find it dark, depressing, stupid, etc. then you are too sheltered, spoiled or ignorant to comprehend the feeling being conveyed in the songs. I guess that for now I'll work on finding somebody to annoy for a while but I'll probably fail at that too. I should eat something too but my stomach is cramping like hell. And I love how I can type this whole thing up in the duration of one Opeth song.

Awkward Age

Well there's a lot to tell since the last entry on here. Things are quite different. Firstly, I am down from 257 pounds to 220-225. Secondly, I am single. Lexy and I were two totally different people no matter how much we tried to tell ourselves otherwise. I'm more of a homebody that likes having one person to call my own and I'm a little bit too jealous about other guys trying to work their way into the picture. She tried her hardest to get me to 'grow up' by telling me I can't put my stuff on the walls if I want to be mature and can't watch things like Family Guy or The Soup because it's for two year olds. Anyone who knows me well though knows that not taking myself or anything unimportant too seriously is what makes me who I am. I want to be able to make a joke at someone's expense or laugh at something stupid or make a poop joke because that's the person that I am. You die too quickly when you spend your entire life with a stick lodged up your ass worrying about what others think of you. When people see me I want them to think I'm intelligent enough to know right from wrong but still goofy and outgoing enough to be a fun person that you don't get tired of being around in fifteen minutes. I don't have the luxury of letting my wallet or appearance determine my fate with friends or women so I don't want to have to change that part of me anytime soon. Also it started wearing on me that most of the people that I called friends were no longer there because I had to sacrifice them to be in the relationship. There are a few people that I needed to get rid of and I'm glad that they're gone but there are some great people that got neglected for no reason other than selfishness.

But here's what I originally wanted to rant about. I need to look for certain things in girls but I am at a very weird age when it comes to dating I realized. Being 24 and a half years old means that I want a girl between 21 and 25 ideally but most people at this age are still in limbo about life. Odds are they're too young to have a 'career' unless it's at Pet Supermarket as a cashier. But then a lot of them are also in college for however much longer and I'm not selfish enough to want somebody to alter their life to be with me. And then aside from the ones who go to school or the ones who work at shitty jobs there is the muddled middle of girls who have no aim or goals in life aside from the next party which I don't need anymore of. When an adult still talks about being 30 different things when they 'grow up' it's not a good sign. I do feel like I can do better than supporting someone who will jump from classified ad to monster.com for the next 40 years trying to find their calling. So with all of that indecision leaves me with a mess. It's nearly impossible to find an attractive girl who isn't repulsed by me or my music here as it is. But then I am faced with finding somebody who has their shit together as well. Hopefully they're out of college or at least in college somewhere close to here and they need to not have kids. Sometimes it seems like the proverbial needle in the haystack thing to me and that's why I feel like sometimes I just settle for the best that I can get because I'm tired of looking. Oh and if anybody remembers this exists to read it, don't think I'm making jabs or hitting below the belt here. I'm making generalized statements here. I mean even of my friends, a lot of them are too consumed with school far away or are just along for the ride of life to be useful when it comes to relationships. All I'm saying is that it's difficult to me until I hit about 27 or 28 when women are hopefully decided on their lives by that age. Of course by then I'll have to deal with who has kids or psycho ex husbands but that's a problem for later.